The Story of the Second Independence Referendum

A fun piece from Ewan Kennedy who sells himself short by saying “ on offer for a quiet day”

The Story of the Second Independence Referendum

“Well, it’s a long story”, said the grandfather, rolling himself a joint, “you’d better make yourselves comfortable. Here’s how we became independent. 

The breakthrough came away back in 2021. It started when with a stroke of genius a mastermind called Gove announced that the vote should be given to Blood and Soil nationalists like him and everyone decided that that was just a great idea. Not quite everyone, because there followed discussions about whether people who had made their homes in Scotland but whose ancestors had come from elsewhere, would get a vote. These people included lots of people whose parents had arrived from India and Pakistan, many to keep the National Health Service going (… oh, I see you don’t know what that was, well, in those days they actually thought that you shouldn’t have to pay for your doctor when you fell ill, pretty stupid idea, wasn’t it?).

Of course there were others, folk of Polish origin whose ancestors had arrived during the Second World War to fly Spitfires and fight as commandos, of course I know they don’t teach that sort of stuff in schools nowadays. These people were just a minority and the English politicians soon persuaded everyone that they shouldn’t get a vote, although they stopped just short of telling them to emigrate to where their parents or grandparents had come from. 

There were of course some hard luck cases. For example it was found that the Scottish surname “Rankin” denoted someone who had come from France. After a lot of argument the government announced in its wisdom that they would get a vote, provided they had a DNA test showing that they were mainly Scottish. That idea was reluctantly dropped when the scientists who did the testing said they couldn’t find any samples that were “pure” enough to provide comparators.

There were other issues too. It turned out that the money saved up to run the referendum had been so securely ringfenced that nobody could remember the password. That problem was resolved when Lady Mone, Scotland’s leading entrepreneur, lent the campaigners one of her bitcoins.

By the time these things were sorted, we’re into the late Twenties by now, word had spread internationally and lots of people world wide with Scottish names and connections wanted to get a vote too. Many claimed to have close connections with the Auld Country and Lord Gove was soon persuaded that they should indeed get votes. As a result the electorate ended up as a list of over a hundred million Scottish names, with special teams registering new ones every day and removing those who had died. 

To the consternation of Lord Gove this huge diaspora now started to campaign furiously for Scottish Independence. Brought up on the writings of Scotland’s leading historian Lord Oliver they knew that their ancestors had only left Scotland because of the joys of learning about capitalism in the wide open spaces of America, Australia, Canada and New Zealand. When they saw the grubby conditions in which the indigenous residents of those parts lived, eating plants and shrubs, hunting buffalo, living in tents, they soon saw the advantages of big modern cities and became some of the biggest property developers in the New World (well, new to them, but not to those locals who had been there for millenia).

Back home in Scotland the mood was now, the late Twenties/early Thirties, firmly in favour of staying part of the UK. A new generation had been schooled under the doctrines promoted by the Murdo Fraser Institute and had learned about how Scotland depends on England, and predominantly London, for almost everything, from financial services to money itself. The national mood had swung in favour of people with white skins (well, pale pink and blotchy mainly) and Scottish surnames. Why should anyone work, we asked, when we all got our weekly giros from Westminster, our rations of whisky and our free kilts?

The Institute explained that a lot of earlier history had been seriously corrupted by nationalist extremists. For example the authors of the McCrone report had concealed that the oil under Scotland’s waters hadn’t come from there at all. Nasty Scots, using the training they had learned in wartime, had laid secret pipes along the seabed and diverted the oil from England! And an essay was found, written by Lord Rees Mogg when a student at Eton, explaining how all the fish were actually English.

When the result came it sent shock waves round the world, twenty million for independence, two million against.”

MY COMMENTS

Ewan wrote this in jest but when you look at how ridiculous the whole constitutional circus has become in Scotland since 2014 who is to say what will happen in the future. I think things will come to a crunch soon. It we face a bad winter, if there are energy shut downs and we lose people to the cold in the most energy rich country in Europe then hopefully that will prove the catalyst. I would of course prefer if Scots woke up now to the destruction of our country, how we are being treated like some poor third world colony rather than an “equal” partner in the Union. How long before the decision to heat or eat becomes a longing to be able to do either?

I am, as always

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